A Serious Look at the Decorating Habits of Catholic Homes

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Catholic households must let you know that we are Catholic the SECOND you step through the door. If you cannot tell that we are children of Jesus (the real ones, not members of those upstart churches that came later) immediately, we have failed in our duties.

Through my extensive research (living in my mom’s house, viewing many Catholic households on endless visits to friends and neighbors in my childhood), I’ve noticed that all of our decor tends to look the same and can be divided up into 6 categories. For your consideration, here they are.

And for those who are curious, for the purposes of this post I went around my house and counted how much Catholic paraphernalia Mom has on display in the apartment. We have 22 pieces, including 3 Nativity sets on display year-round. Cue Gregorian chanting.

1. The Cross

   Can come in a) the simple variation or b) more ornate varieties. Decorations range from curliques to more interesting choices, like the footprints in the sand theme, a reference to a religious poem beloved by Christians everywhere (my mom got the sand cross in a catalog sold by my elementary school, because school fundraisers are prime purveyors of all kinds of tackiness). This one is pretty normal until you start thinking about how the cross is a literal instrument of torture.

2. The Intercessor

   At our core, Catholics are deeply pessimistic people and our approach to prayer can best be described as “take all the help you can get,” which might explain the assortment of Catholic figures you’ll find in the average home. Everybody from popes to saints to the Virgin Mary can appear on these walls (I don’t think you necessarily get your Catholic card taken away if you don’t have a Virgin Mary portrait somewhere, but you’ll definitely get some side-eye). The choice of saint portraiture can be pretty revealing in many ways. It reveals what people worry about the most—a particularly forgetful aunt will have pictures of St. Anthony everywhere, a pessimistic one will turn to St. Jude. This is also where national divides in the universal Catholic language of kitsch show themselves. For example, almost every Italian has Padre Pio somewhere in their house. Istrians are partial to Bl. Miroslav Bulešić, who almost nobody on the wrong side of Učka has heard of.

   

   3. The Catholic Life Event

      My mother got my first communion certificate and my confirmation certificate framed, although at some point I gently suggested we could put them in the closet (probably around the same time I myself came out of said closet). We still have pictures of three different first communions up (the baptism photos are in a dedicated photo album). This is another one of those “if you think about it too hard it gets weird” ones, because isn’t it a little weird that we dress up seven-year-olds as if they’re getting married? (my mother did not get me a bridal-style first communion dress because she thought it was creepy and also they’re expensive). Bonus points if your Catholic life event is framed but pictures from more secular achievements, like graduations, do not get the same treatment.

   4. The Handmade Craft

      If there’s anything good Catholic ladies will do, it’s put their hands to work for Jesus. There have been Catholic crafts since the beginning of the faith, ranging from embroidery to cross-stitch. The latter is my mom’s favorite and makes for a really great white elephant gift. I currently have a three-foot-long, framed cross-stitch of a guardian angel hanging in my bedroom that I cannot take down because she spent three years on it and if I get rid of it, she will be upset, but boy does it make Zoom calls awkward!

      

      5. The Travel Souvenir

         Rosaries with Vatican branding, because why not. A souvenir from the Marian sanctuary of your choice. Something from a saint’s birthplace or tomb. All the signs of a well-traveled Catholic fulfilling their duties of going on pilgrimage, or a nona with exceptionally dutiful grandchildren. The humble brag and the religious token, combined.

      6. The Downright Tacky

         Sometimes you see something and you just have to think, “I wonder who thought this was a good idea.” Or, “if this wasn’t Catholic-related I’d tell Grandma to throw it away immediately, but because it has Jesus on it, if I say that she’ll call me a heathen.”

         I’ve seen couch cushions with Pope John Paul II’s face, which makes me wonder who is sitting on a pope’s face. But my favorite tacky Catholic decor has to be my grandmother’s glow-in-the-dark Virgin Mary statue. The glow-in-the-dark Virgin Mary lived on the nightstand in the room I slept in at her house, but after a week of insomnia I started putting it in the drawer at night and taking it out in the morning. I just couldn’t handle being watched all the time, like what if I had a weird dream or something? This backfired when I forgot to take her out of the drawer one morning and my grandma went into my room to remake the bed (I had already made the bed, but apparently I am not good at it despite doing it every day for many years now).

         Cue a meltdown on my grandmother’s part because if I’m uncomfortable with the Virgin Mary watching me, I must be a sinner. She followed me around with a vial of holy water for the rest of the day. I tried to explain that I didn’t have an issue with the Virgin Mary as a spiritual presence watching me, per se, more with her plastic fluorescent eyes boring into my soul all night, but no use.

I joke, but I think when I finally move out I’m going to get some kind of Catholic paraphernalia. Not because I feel strongly about the faith (I haven’t seen the inside of a church in awhile) but for the nostalgia factor. Tackiness in the name of the Lord is a family tradition at this point, and I WILL continue it.

Just not with a glow in the dark Virgin Mary statue.